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please help. what do you think of my college argumentative essay so far?

so if you have time please read my essay and evluate it and corrected or tell me what i should do. I kind of trying to relate my essay to my life story and article from a reading should teens work. the link is below. thank you for all your time. high school can work part time Argumentative Essay I think it’s great that high schooler’s teens should work part-time because it’s going to prepare them for the real world. Students will learn how to be independent, learn healthy work ethic and stay out of trouble. It’s better than not having to work at all and be lazy. A lot of us youngster students want to grow up and be independent. We don’t want to relay and depends on our parents to support us for the rest of our lives. Therefore, finding a job at a young age can give you a valuable of how to be an adult. As a child I never ask my parents to buy me something because I know that money is not easy to make. I know that they have to work so hard everyday to make that money. I also know that most of that money goes to bills, and like most parents out there. My parents aren’t educated and that they didn’t had a chance to go to college nor gotten their high school diploma. They chose to work a normal job with a fewer skills to supports us and that is more than I can bare ask from them. I couldn’t barely go and ask my parents for money because it didn’t seem right. So I decided to work and earn my own money and help them out a little. As a high school student, I wanted everything that I founded interesting, just like a car. I wanted a car so badly that I felt a shame and jealous kissing up to my friends who had cars. Eventually, I got myself a job after school, working in school bus office 3 hours day, 5 days a week and a total of 15 hours. I’ve work there for two years and manage to save up my money and eventually I bought my own car. I felt so happy and proud of myself, not only did I got me a car but I actually worked and earn it by myself and I didn’t have to kiss up on my friends and parents. Working at school bus office was the best job ever but I want to work on a field of adult world. I felt comfortable working at my school because my boss was inspiring. She helped me how to schedule my hours and gave me days off when I have to study for a test and exam. But, I want to learn about a different work ethic. I want to learn how to deal with rude, angry and unpleasant. I also want to learn more about people about different cultures, different aspects and also different jobs. My reason for that because I was always shy and I want to overcome my shyness. I know getting to know and talk to different people can make me overcome my shyness. Furthermore, so I can put information. In contrast, both Etzioni and McLellen article both sounded fair and unfair and mix valid with non valid and sounded like a propaganda but I mostly agree more of McLellen article about “Part-Time Job: Should Teens Go For It” Michelle Gust 17, a senior at Mt. Carmel High, stated that “Working has taught me the importance of communicating with people. The business management wants you to communicate with them and customer. I have learned to be flexible.” she learned how to meet deadline on college application and balance her school work and her part time job. Finally, not only does working part time help a student with work ethic but, it also helps them stay out of trouble. I was goofing around so much when I was at high school. Chasing after girls, playing around with my friends and going to movies and worst I almost join a groupie gang. Also, I wasn’t good with learning how to manage my money. I know I was going into a wrong direction so in order to not disappoint my parents. I took a risk on getting a job after school even risking my grades. As I mention above, I work at McDonald across the street and at the school bus office but my third job was actually present to me by my counselor. Since I was losing my reputation of an honor role student and that I was my counselor favorite student. She didn’t want to see me go to a wrong path so she decided that I should work at the San Diego Zoo as an entry level Human Resource (HR). With the help of my counselor supervision, I manage to stirred out of trouble and this part of my experience conclude with Amitai Etzioni article “The Fast Food Factories: McJobs Are Bad For Kids”. Although, Etzioni article seems like propaganda and criticizing but I have to agree with of what he said about Supervision. He said, it’s ok for teens to work but they should be supervised by either the school or their parents and I agree. Without supervision I wouldn’t probably wouldn’t not been here today and that is the fact and reason for what teens needs, a guidance. Working a part-time after school can be helpful and benefit and it can also be bad. That much depends on the student, not McDonald’s or other fast-food chains. If you think about it work experience is not taught or provided in class room but actually http://amitaietzioni.org/documents/B170.pdf

Public Comments

1. In opinion, I found your essay a good read, and the link was most informative. That said, I would consider revising your essay to remain in argument form, rather than it being more personalized. For example, giving reasons as to why teens should work, and/or reason why teens may not. In conclusion giving a strong message that will have an impact on your audience to leave them with points to ponder towards providing inspiration to help them move toward positive change that will help build or shape the future of business and/or employment changes in our society. Hope that helps, thanks for asking.