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Part of a book I'm writing... please read and critique!?

This is a part of a trilogy I am writing, please be merciful, I'm only 14, haha. But constructive critisim would be great, so long as you try to be kind :) Chapter 13 Days passed (or so I am assuming for it seemed quite a while) the knife and sounds from above my only companions. When I was sure no one would come down to check on me I looked at the knife, felt its blade, cut through the increasingly growing amount of water. As time passed I became more and more sure that their intention was to drown me. I wished over and over again that I had never made a “deal” with that strange woman who called herself Darfur, or Dathenia… or was it Danetha? At that point I could no longer remember. One day in what I believe to be a week after having been tricked into this daunting fate, the water was at an extreme level, so high that I began to desperately flail. “This settles it”, I thought angrily, “They mean for me to drown! Oh the wasted years! I am to die during a fantastical adventure that reality was never meant to accept!” I had little time for sentimental goodbyes or thoughts, the water rose at an incredible rate, feet within seconds! My impulses told me to fight; I did not question their authority. My arms and legs kicked at random and uncomfortable angles, the water forcing itself upon me, every minute doom called, I closed my eyes as I saw the ceiling come nearer, reached my hand as if in hope of a divine intervention that would save me, I knew I was to die here, without dignity or hope. Suddenly a hand clasped mine, stuck dumb I looked up and saw a figure who’s hand was the only visible part of him, the rest of his body played out in shadow. He was no savior of mine, I could tell partially by the manner in which he chose to pull me up, more of a yank than a gallant attempt at preserving my life. He pulled me forward whether I wanted him to or not causing me to slip on the glossy floor of rain still falling. Sheets (or rather blankets) of it fell everywhere, I could barley see. The wind, she played with the ship as though it were a toy and the lightening growled loudly enough so that even the lion shrank back in comparison, I now understood why Williams stories always spoke of storms at sea like nightmares. Horrified I continued my stumbling walk, or rather was forced to. Several men followed, I could see no destination for us until we walked up to a large wooden pole sticking out of the deck, just as decrepit as the rest of the ship. But it never the less, held up the sails. I stared blankly for a few moments thinking that this silent march had been useless in every aspect of the word for everyone aboard. My illusion of peace was shattered as the thunder roared with greater rage than the devil himself, I felt the ship shake and men’s laughter filled the air as I was pushed down. I felt someone’s boot on my back and the cold kiss of a gun to my neck. Overcome with fear I lay on the ground even after the feelings of the boot and gun had left, only able to turn my face to the enraged sky. The man whom I had first seen and I believed to be the captain appeared as the thunder shook the sky, “get up” he said in a voice of mock pity and despising anger. I did not want to know exactly what he would do if I were to disobey, I slipped clumsily to my feet in a sad attempt to keep my dignity, as the thunder thrashed and the ravenous sea devoured anything within its reach. The heatless, cold, kiss of a sword to my back made me jump; cruel laughter filled the air silenced by one word whispered in my ear, “climb”. “climb what…” my thought trialed off as my eyes fell upon a faulty, wildly swaying rope ladder, my jaw dropped as I realized what it was connected to, “they want me to climb… to the top of the mast!” The wind seemed to laugh as I was forced up; my hands felt the cut of the rope, my heart the expectation to stop beating any moment. As I furthered in altitude my fear became more extreme, by any common sense one would think I should have fallen, but I did not. The rope bucked like a wild stallion, as wild as the ill men below me, gunshots and laughter filled the air, I could barely see them through the sheets of rain. I saw the top, I reached for it, and I made it. My body swayed unnaturally at every instant of my climb, but there, at the top of the sail, it was even worse. Whatever devil created that horrid thunder seemed only inches away, for fear of what was above I jerked my head downward, fear welled up like a serpent inside of me. I can not describe the fear, the panic I felt, the ocean was alive. Huge waves tossed the boat like William with a toy, enormous waves that could sink a ship any smaller than this. The wind seemed to rip and scratch at my face while my body was tugged at by invisible evils, thunder screamed for attention. That was when I heard it, not a gunshot, not thunder, a cannon ball, barely missing me. I screamed and stumbled, nearly falling to my death, toward the other side of the mast, to late, another canon ball skimmed by my legs, and I knew there was no hope as I lost my balance for the last time. That was when I remembered, I had a knife. I had kept it close to me, just beneath my dress, in all of the confusion my body must have warmed to the point where I could no longer feel it. I began to reach for it when the ship lurched forward , I felt my feet tip and I fell, my hands lurched up in random positions, just in the right direction and time, destiny, I suppose it was, carefully, painfully, allowed my hands to grasp on to the wooden pole placed horizontally. Biting my lip I reached underneath my dress, felt the welcomed cold of the knife, and lost control as a cannon ball flew by, both of my hands let go in a sad attempt to block its blow, I felt my hand aim the knife toward the sail and, wind ripped the last bits of life away from me, but not quite. My weapon hit the sail, for a few moments I heard a rather pleasant ripping sound, all that passed through my mind, all that I had time to think was, “I did it!”, but my hand held no strength compared to nature, the force of gravity to strong, my hand almost broke as it was forced to let go, this was the end. Or so I thought. A huge rush of air I felt from below, someone yelled something inaudible, and I bounced. Something soft was beneath me, the wind threw me around a bit each time I came up, but I was alive, as well as disoriented. When my body finally calmed I looked down to see what had saved me, a huge white piece of cloth was beneath my feet, the sail itself. The only ingredients I could feel in the air were my own fear and confusion. I saw the root of my escape now, a ladder. An old ladder made of rope which appeared to be moldy, I saw no other way out. Strange, so unlike me to do something like this, I grabbed a hold of the first wrung. Chapter 14 My climb down had been less than pleasant, the storm abused me every chance it could get, my hand was in pain from my earlier venture, and my heart twisted into a knot, unsure of what the wind would choose to do with me. By the time I made it down I had a plan, I would run as fast as I could and hope to God I escape somehow. There was no need for this, by the time I reached deck chaos had broken out, guns banged, the sounds of clashing swords the rain could not silence with her silky vale, blood shed was afoot. Suddenly, a silvery flash of metal, two men ran into me, I saw only the grey eyes of the merciless captain and a man who was familiar in this weather, Meredith. My body was at last hurtled to the dust covered, brittle deck, forcing me to cry out because of the small fire within my hand. I crawled behind a barrel, full of cowardice and terror. My ears rang with the cries of battle and pain, I looked up almost hoping to see an angel coming for me to put me out of misery, to my surprise two luminous shapes were atop the sail. I was fooled for a moment, my mouth dropped thinking my death wish had come true, but angels know no fear, and the men I saw were fighting for their lives. I saw their swords clash, their bodies stretched as far away from each other as possible. Never had I seen such a thing in my life, for the very next moment they were inches behind me, and for the first time in this battle they both lay eyes on me. Both men made desperate grabs for me as I ran hunched over with fear, away from them. “She’s mine!” I heard one of them boom in a voice like thunder, the other yelled back in a voice like a whips cracking, “A just cause means nothin’ in war!” My mind was full of thoughts to numerous to comprehend, I suppose my most instincts basic instincts took over for I did not realize what I was doing as I ran and pushed anything in my path away. Through the cries of men I went, at last I saw the edge. Realizing I had no where to go I ducked down and closed my eyes. I felt my stomach slowly rise and fall in unison with my gasps. The thunder had not quitted, the rain still poured down on me. Suddenly a rough hand grabbed me away from my position, it took me up in its arms, I screamed loudly in shock and protest. I was in the air, held on to by the hand, and suddenly I landed. Pain shot up through my legs. I grasped a wooden pole for support, not sure what had just occurred. I fell over, looking up I realized the rain was clearing, distant shouts slithered through the fog “He deserves death! Find them or his fate shall be yours!” They sounded female, yet in no way was it like any female I had ever heard before, the voice was loud, commanding, and in no way like the voice ladies were expected to speak in. My mind had wandered so much to the voice I nearly forgot the situation I was in, I turned my face up to where I felt a familiar presence. “Hello Ellen” said a man with broad soldiers and matted brown hair. “How do you know my name?” I asked, hoping that bravery would save me from harm. He smiled showing his almost carnivorous teeth. I shrank back not caring to say any more, “I know much a normal man wouldn’t. But I’m not a man any more now am I?” This puzzled me, I hate not understanding things that intrigue me, and so I was sent into a series of pouts. I was slowly becoming aware of the fact that I was in a rather small boat. An almost to comfortable silence fell over the boat, I wished he would say something for the longer I starred at him the more familiar his gestures and expressions became. Almost as if I knew him from somewhere other than this strange foreign world. “You best be thankful Ellen, I sacrificed my entire crew for you”, to queer feeling to speak I sat there wondering why I was of such importance, but my curiosity took over, “Where are we going?” my voice shivered with the rest of my body. “There” was his answer, but he pointed no where, “Excuse me?” I was becoming more accustomed to him, “Over there” he said this as though he had quite clearly pointed it out for me. I sighed realizing I would get no answer, but he did not seem threatening so I worried not. I heard a strange groan, the best way to describe it would be that of an old man having a bad dream. However at a much louder volume, and from beneath the water. My heart began to beat quickly, a feeling of bizarre fear came to the pit of my stomach. I could tell he had heard it too for his eyes grew wide but quickly shrank again, “Lovely day for swimming isn’t it?” the cold bit my face, “excuse me?” He shrugged, well I’ll be off then, just remember where your going! And don’t dilly dally unless you wish yourself harm!” He lept overboard just as I said “But you never said where I was going!” But he was gone. I shrank back in the boat but quickly sat up erect as I heard the groan again, but this time closer.

Public Comments

1. it sucks no offence
2. Really, it does. But how did it let you post so much text? That part of the story is amazing!
3. It's a good first go at it. I'd suggest joining a free writers site like absolute.com or maybe hatrack.com's writer's forum where you can get feedback from lots of other people that know more about writing and publishing. Good luck!
4. Honestly I did not read it all but of what I did read it is amazing you have a gift!
5. This is amazingg! :) i want moreee! Are going to publish it!? If you dont (that would be sad) then can you email me the book when your done purty please? (ohmgitsheather77@aim.com). This book is wonderful, whats your inspiration?
6. It's awful. I read the first paragraph and had to strain my eyes to read it. Your first sentence was incorrect, and confusing. Don't use ( ) things. You had many grammar mistakes and the paragraph was simply boring. It was written VERY poorly. Most people on here possess some writing talent and potential, but I have to be honest and tell you that you have none. I can see your last paragraph as I write this, and it is also incorrect. You are suppose to start a new paragraph/line when a different person speaks. If I was a publisher or agent, I would probably look at the first sentence and toss your manuscript. My only advise to you, is to learn some things about grammar, dialogue, and anything else related to writing! You are going to need some serious, major, help if you want to be an author. Do not toss this story, though. Keep writing it for a while until you learn that what you are writing is crap. It will help you become a better writer.
7. First of how can you write all this. Second it as really good and detailed. and third anyone can steal this idea and make it thers so i advise you delete it. ~Good Luck Writing~
8. The other people mustn't have read it cause its good....I'm actually 16 and am writing a book....its a spy adventure novel about a 13 year old kid. Its similar to Alex rider, cherub, and the young bond series with a twist. R u planning on publishing??? I'm at page 60 and am trying to get one. Your writing has a strong descriptive voice. What is the title? Mine is called: Beating Sagramantha ..................Sagramantha means mount Everest in Nepal.
9. Hey! Okay this is great! And any of you who think it is bad are mean!! She's only fourteen and for being that age it is great! So any of you who don't like it you really don't have to say anything! Okay! But if you do publish it I'll read it!! I also like writing stories!! Good luck! xoxo Blair ♥