Success Happy - We're drowning in debt. My husband makes too much for financial assistance. Do I have to leave him?

We're drowning in debt. My husband makes too much for financial assistance. Do I have to leave him?

So I doubt you want to know every detail about my financial issues but I need help. I'm completely lost. My husband and I can't afford to buy groceries after paying our bills. I have a 2 year old son who needs to eat, My husband and I only eat dinner to conserve food and still, we don't have much in the cabinets. My friends tell me since he makes to much money to qualify for any assistance, I should leave him. Here's a run-through of our situation: My husband makes $2,628 Monthly MONTHLY, we pay $933- Rent $80- Electricity $80- Child support for daughter not living with us $400- Car $112- Car Insurance $200- Cable/Internet (Which my husband refuses to stop paying because he doesn't want the account to get sent to collections) $188- Cigarettes & Coffee every morning before work (My husband refuses to quit... I have quit smoking altogether months ago because I realize it is no longer affordable) About $160- Gas to put in our explorer. (For husband's 30 minute commute to work every morning and 30 minutes back... and also other transportation needs) My son drinks about $50 in milk per month That leaves us with roughly $105 for the week which comes to nothing after trying to buy enough food for my growing son and my husband who will eat a whole box of little Debbie snacks in one day (surprisingly, he's not overweight) As a married couple, I'll admit we absolutely suck at managing our money together. My husband will use the debit card everyday without even checking the balance which causes us to often overdraft our account. We also often end up with way less money weekly because of this. We have HORRIBLE credit... both in the 500 range. We owe credit card companies, a lawyer, old cell phone, cable companies, etc. We cannot get a loan for a safe, reliable vehicle and are paying $100/week for a rundown 1994 explorer for 6 weeks, which could die on us whenever it feels the need. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want an answer to my problem. I realize no one has one for me. I just need advice. I'm getting depressed and even having suicidal thoughts once in a while when I feel like I can't handle the stress anymore. I work 12 hours a week as a cocktail waitress in a gentleman's club. Some nights I make good money, but others I've even lost money so we don't rely on that income. The dancers at make $100 on a bad night so it's good money and I could do it and help with our financial issues but I'm too shy and respect my body. It's making me feel guilty that I won't do it and will only stick to waitressing. I'm just so lost. My friends tell me I can't afford to stay with my husband and I need to leave him so I could at least be eligible for food stamps and feed myself and my son. Even though we already have a rocky marriage, that just seems so wrong. In case you're wondering, I'm 22 and my husband is 24. We've been married for nearly 3 years and he just got out of the air force in June so the transition from military life to civilian life has been hard. Any advice from veterans and wives is also appreciated. Sorry... we are left with $70, not $105. HUGE reasons why I have not left my husband... I have no where to go with my son. No family or friends whatsoever who could help me out... trust me, I've asked. And I simply cannot afford a divorce. In massachusetts, you have to have a lawyer and I cannot afford a $3,000 retainer on top of the $1,500 I already owe my lawyer for custody reasons regarding my daughter. My husband refuses to quit spending $53 a week in cigarettes and coffee. And also will not give up the internet, cable and phone which is costing us $200 per month. Thats just the financial reason why I want to leave him... there are other reasons which do not pertain to the question. My husband was allowed to work as much overtime as he wanted at $25.50 per hour and was bringing home at least 700-800 dollars a week until a few months ago when the company stopped offering overtime. So that's why we could afford our apartment and other expenses before. We would love to find a cheaper one but it would cost $500 to break our lease and at least another $500+ 1st month's rent, etc. for a new apartment. Trust me everyone, I have no problem going without cable or internet... however, he makes the money and decisions... I have a small say but clearly, in this case, it doesn't matter. I understand when people say I need to get my priorities straight. I have them straight, however it's hard when you are married to a man who acts like a child and controls where the money goes. My husband does not know for a second how to struggle. It has me in a tough position. I got a job hoping to work more than 12 hours per week. That's just what I'm getting so far. ALSO, I don't know if people are keeping in mind the fact that I have a child so I cannot simply leave him home alone to work. Min wage here is $8/hour and day care is $200/week. After taxes (remember, I live in "Taxachusetts"), that leaves me with nothing! AZNLBZRACER- Thanks for the advice, HOWEVER, I have been on my own WITH A CHILD since I was 17 years old because I was kicked out of my house 2 weeks after I had my daughter with no job or car because my mother's boyfriend didn't agree. Please don't tell me to wake up and smell the roses because I know how to struggle. I can accept struggling and I'm willing. It's it my HUSBAND who has had the military take care of him for the past 6 years who cannot. He's also the reason why I don't have custody of my daughter so if you all want to dig deeper in the story.... there's another reason for ya. He never had to pay any rent, cook food, clean (he left his dorm a mess until inspections) or worry about anyone besides himself. He's still a child. Now, I'd like to see you try to get by in your life with someone like that in control because he makes more money. I cannot MAKE him stop spending HIS money. I cannot MAKE him cancel the cable that is in HIS name. YOU open YOUR eyes!

Public Comments

Tough one, but I don't think you should leave you husband, you should stick through it and learn how to manage your money better.
There are plenty of things you can do. Don't despair. You don't have to leave your husband and you don't have to strip for money. (Although frankly, it sounds like you might want to leave your husband, but with a child to consider, I hope you will try everything else first.) First, go to www.debtorsanonymous.org. You can find a meeting and get help for your problems. The people are very supportive, and you'll have a place where you can tell people everything; they've heard it and lived it. Next, call United Way and get a list of agencies nearby that can help you. There are lots of them no matter where you live. You can get free, healthy food, certainly enough to live on. I worked at one of these places, and we'd give out bags of food that weighed 27 pounds, enough for an entire family to live on, with milk and cheese and vegetables and fruit. They'll also tell you if you qualify for assistance -- your friends may not be reliable on what would qualify, but these places will know. You should also check with local churches. They have food pantries and give away food. They may also get food from local farmers or people with gardens. You HAVE to accept this help on behalf of your son. He trusts you to feed him. You can get counseling for free, too, from these agencies, from churches or through the military: they will help you in the transition to civilian life. A minister or a counselor may be able to explain to your husband why eating breakfast and lunch is more important that having cable and the internet. If your husband won't go, go alone. Your husband does have to face facts. He can't keep using a debit card. You need to withdraw cash from the bank each week and just use that, and when it runs out, it's gone. You can call old creditors and negotiate payments, and get the credit/interest rate reduced. You may also be able to get the bill reduced, especially if it's gone to collections. You need to cut off the cable TV, frankly. If you can't afford more than one meal a day, you're better off taking the money and spending it on food. $200 a month buys a lot of food. It almost doubles the amount you have for food. I wish you luck, honey. You can climb out of this problem, but you need to learn how to do it. By the way, you write well. You should consider getting a job in an office as an assistant. It will pay better than what you're doing now, and it's more reliable. You might have to wait until your child is in pre-school, however, but it's something to think about.
leave him for what? debt? we all have some debt even the U.S. is in debt I find it all sad. we are a nation of over spenders just learn to live below your means and save and also give to charity and pray on it
I can help a bit here, I've helped alot of people with finances to pull out of a ditch. That truck is costing far too much money. Sell the truck and make your husband get a bus pass. It is cheaper, you don't have to pay for gas or most importantly, repairs. Your rent is a bit high, have you tried looking for another rental that is cheaper? You need to make drastic moves, you are going to hurt your bodies by not feeding them properly. $200 for cable and internet is very steep. I suggest you cut back on some of the chanels to save some $$. Does your husband make his coffee at home or buy it from a service? If he's purchasing from places like timmies etc stop! Buy a bag of pre grinded coffee and make your own at home, you'll save there too. Your husbands smoking addiction is preventing you to eat, he needs to learn what is more important, you or his cigarettes. He needs to ATLEAST cut back on cigarettes. GL.
You are simply paying for things you cannot afford. 1.) You need to get rid of cable 2.) Sell your vehicle and get a less expensive one...maybe $200/month. That will give you an extra $100/week. Also, he should get a part time job for 2 reasons. a.) You will have more income and b) he will work more and smoke less. Good luck
200 for cable and internet and your son doesnt have enough food and you are starving yourself??? where are your priorities at?! your husband would actually let you strip to pay for his cigarettes??? i think its time to leave. you both need to get your priorities straight. i am so sorry you feel you have nowhere to go:( maybe one of those friends that are trying to convince you to leave can take you and your son in for a while. **** if he makes the money and the decisions, then let him stress over this. haha right, easier said than done. actually, i am in a very similar situation only my husband spends excessive amounts of money on XBox 360 while we struggle for groceries and clothes for my rapidly growing kids, but i cant say anything cause he makes the money. im in the process of getting my shit together so i can leave.
Ok wedding vows say for better or worse and trust me I was in your shoes for many years. There are programs that will help with food that don't go off your income. And honestly I have 2 kids and lots of animals and I could manage off of 75 a week for groceries. Don't let your kid eat a whole box of little debbie snacks it's not good for him and there are better things to spend your money on. Turn off the cable then when it's paid off you got more money there. Trust me I love my cable but went years without it. Food is more important. File for a chapter 13 bankruptcy that will condense everything you owe into a low monthly payment based off your income and with a chapter 13 you won't lose any cars or anything like that. It's easy to love someone and stay with them when the times are good but you will be an even stronger and better person to stay through the bad times too. Find churches that give food. Not sure where you live if they have the Share program. You have to pay for food but you get a good amount and it's low in cost. they also have program there for people who cannot afford food. Good luck and don't listen to your young and immature friends. Stand by your man!
all good answers but you all forgot one thing THE KID needs a dad! we are all at times having trouble with money I have not worked for two months (sucks) did my wife leave NO she chipped in and started a day care she watches approx. 3-5 kids a day and brings in about 1200-1500 a month it's not for every one but it is a Business that has a lot of demand. Please if you decide to do this stop with the suicide thoughts if your life sucks think what your kid will go threw if you do something stupid!
I don't think leaving over finances is the right thing to do, you'll still be in the rough situation, You say there are "other issues", if those are of a serious nature and are a threat or a infidelity problem, then fine, Somehow you have got to get him to stop spending, cut the cable and other frills till you get on your feet. My suggestion is credit counseling, and marriage counseling, it sounds as id the husband may have a maturity issue. primary issue, the children.
Is he your husband or you father? Face it. The problem here is far worse than you are admitting to yourself.
im sorry, but im NOT. not to be a bitch, but seriously story of my life and many others.. YOUR GONNA LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND CAUSE YOUR SO DAMN FKN SELFISH.. OH NO CAUSE YOUR "FRIENDS" SAID SO.. are you stupid? those are NOT friends. FRIENDS would give you advice... heres a thought.... MOVE! turn in your $400 dollar car and get a small car that you can afford to eat. and Get a REAL freaking JOB! 12hrs a week! instead of thinking "sucidal" go look for a job There are Real Jobs where you can make a desent income and then be able to eat.. move to a CHEAPER apt. Get rid of the cable. thats LUXURY NOT NECESESITIES. The child support dont complain.. QUIT thinking of what YOUR gonna do and START thinking on what your gonna do to HELP your family. im 23 and my hubby is 26 LOOK AT MY LIFE I HAVE STRUGGLES. BUT YOU WORK TOGETHER. i didnt work in oour 1st yr of marrige. he himself. we had a brand new car paid 400 plus insurance 200 Rent 600 Bills c.cards ect like 700 food and more. we got together fairly YOUNG i was 15 he was 18 we do carshows we vend things we make... something ... THEN I GOT A JOB because guess what~ we were having probs. well were good now. i have a full time job. as well as he deoes. he went obarbering school and fiinished. we both do hair and vend. NOW we both can affford what we want. we have a 2008 tahoe looking in getting a home. we have our own buissness WERE HAPPY MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! WE HAVE few bills because when i got a job. things changed. meaning.. instead of looking for the way out.. look for a way to help out.. common. WHEN THERES A WILL, THERES A WAY.. ARE YOU WILLING MY HUBBY AND I ARE GREAT BECAUSE WE BOTH USED ELBOW GREASE, I REALIZED THAT IT WAS TO MUCH FOR HIM, AND IT TAKES 2 ,, AND YOU NEED TO REALIZE. THAT AS HARD AS YOU THINK IT IS FOR YOU... ITS HARDER FOR HIM,. BECAUSE HE HAS TO CARE FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD. SO NO DONT LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND. INSTEAD HELP YOURSELVES. SORRY FOR BEING A HARD ASS. BUT YOU NEED TO BE STRONG. AND WORK GET A JOB AND YOULL SEE THINGS WILL BE BETTER. GOOD LUCK... NEVER BELIEVE OTHERS.. YOUR SO CALLED FRIENDS, ARE BAD INFLUENCES.. YOU NEED AND ANSWERE NOT A WAY OUT.. YOUR TRYING TO RUN FROM YOUR PROBLEMS.. FIX THEM.. YOUR YOUNG YOU VERY MUCH CAN.. GOOD LUCK. AND HEY. ATLEAST ITS 70 A WEEK. SOME HAVE NOTHING.
wow im glad u decided not to give all the details, would have had to gone to a bigger hard drive to hold it all,we all have to tighten up in todays time, we also have to understand there are some things we may have to do with out, and if thats really u in the picture, if i looked like that i would have money comming out of my ears
At least you are working and trying to help. Alot of people are in debt don't stress out about it. I wouldn't leave him if he is trying to do all that he can do. If you have a good man then hold on a little longer.
If you get rid of the $400 car,cancel the cable/internet,make him stop spending almost $200 a moth on cigs/coffee...You might make it..
everyone has money problems when they are relatively newly married and having problems making ends meet. but financial problems are not a reason to leave a marriage. you'll have more problems there if you jump ship now, believe me. here's my suggestion: if you live in an apartment, see if there is a smaller unit you can rent. generally, it's not considered breaking lease if you ask to move to a different unit. you still reside there, you still pay rent. you just get a smaller space. drop the cable to basic if your husband can't live without it. that should give you a little bit of money. you make it sound like you're only paying a car note for six weeks, so after that, drop your insurance to liability only. that will free up some money. if you total your car, at this point you won't have enough for a good down payment if they give you the max. what's the going rate for a 94 now? under a thousand, certainly, so why bother with full coverage? you have more in the car than what it's worth. cut out all junk food when you shop. that leaves more money for the more important stuff. buy a large thermos and make your husband take it to work. that cuts out at least a dollar a day if he stops for coffee at the gas station every morning, and more if he goes to a coffee shop. as for the daycare, if you can't afford it, get a night job after your husband is home from work. you don't have to settle for working as a waitress in a strip club. there are so many jobs that are available in the evenings, and sometimes it's a fact of life. I would rather be a waitress in a resturaunt that time of night than in a bar. you could be an evening cashier in a grocery store. they are always looking for closers. Wal-Mart is open 24/7. gas stations, resturaunts, fast food, motels. it may not be what you are looking for, and it may not be what you want, but people are always hiring. I was working three jobs when I was married to my first husband because he wouldn't get up off his lazy @ss to work. I know it can be done. you just have to want to do it. some people look down on working in fast food and grocery stores, but if you are gainfully employed and contributing to your household, there is nothing to be embarrassed over. as far as the taxes go, "Taxachussets" or anywhere else, generally the taxes are the same. the more you make, the more you pay in. the less you make, the less you pay in. they work off a percentage, and feds and most states are set up so you don't pay at all if your gross for the pay period is less than a certain amount. you need a job you can depend on for income. and if you have to come out of your pocket, even occasionally, for your ability to have that job, it is not worth it. find one where you don't have to contribute part of your earnings to someone else. to be hired, you just have to show a minimum capacity to learn, a want for the job, and a want to work. look around. there are jobs all over. you just have to keep an open mind and figure it out in your family schedule. good luck!
First off don't listen to your friends!!! I(21) have been with my husband (23)for 4 years and married for 5months (military marriage). When I use to listen to my friends my relationship went horrible. Listen to your man!!! You can't leave a marriage just because things are rough!!! Leave your husband to get food stamps!! Living on the gov. is worse and you will have less then you have now. Yeah your son will eat but, you will be in the ghetto, he will be going to ghetto schools, influence by the ghetto, and go up wrong. Once again don't listen to your friends please. Even if there's more issues with your marriage. It's just because of the money situation. Trust, because my husband in I would fight so much and had so many problems. Everything that's making the relationship so stressful or whatever will pass once you guys have money. Money to go out and get away from things. Money is a big, HUGE problem in relationships. What you need to do is get another job that you can do once a week or something you can be on call for. I see that your online, so look up cheaper internet services, phone, etc. $200 is way to much. Also shop at dollar tree, discount stores, thrift stores. Sell things that you're not using in the house on craigslist. Hide money from your husband . You have to budget money!! Every pay check take $ 50 out and save it regardless what you have to pay. SHow your husband this and make him read every bit!! He'll realized. You don't have anything straight. When I first got a apt. I didn't have a tv for 2 months, once I got the tv I didn't have cable for another 4 months until I had a GOOD job.
I for 1 agree with Bella, it takes 2...(Bella, I give you Kudos, very well said) and like Bella and many others said, get rid of cable and internet, thats what DVDs are for and time to dig out the good old VHS's...get rid of the $400 dollar a month vehicle and like someone else said, take the damn bus...hell, I did it for 8 months. Or even carpool, or a much cheaper car. You need to work a real job, and again like what Bella said, you watch the kid during the day while he works and he can return the deed at night while you work another 28 more hours than what your currently working. And I'm not sayin he needs to quit smoking, but maybe cut back or even start rolling his own, it'll cut expenses on smoking by a TON, and maybe he needs the coffee to energize himself but there is home brewed coffee, saves quite a bit too. Your young, as I am, but don't listen to your friends. You vowed, for better or for worse, richer or for poorer. Poorer is whats happening right now, but stick it out. You can't give up on every bad thing in life and expect good to land in your lap...cuz guess what, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD, cuz the real world is full of debt and problems and hard issues's, you don't live with mommy and daddy anymore, you can't run to your room and hide under your blankies...wake up and smell the roses, your an adult and part of adult hood besides money and issues, is taking on life full speed ahead and tackling them and fixing them yourselves, noone can help you but you.
Go back to school for starters, you should want better for yourself than a life on welfare, don't ask him tell him your going back to school and he will be your babysitter, if he doesn't like it cut up the credit card that will get his priorities in order real fast.
If your husband honestly thinks that cable, internet, coffee and cigarettes should take priority over eating more than one meal a day, he is a certifiable lunatic who should be committed. And yes, you should leave him if he continues to refuse to cut out those things which really are not necessary at this point.
My wife and I have been through some rough times in our marriage where money was tight. I made a list just like you and we worked through it. You budget doesn't leave for sick, emergency funds. Instead of concentrating on how to save money, concentrate and fight to gaining some power back. You can write the budget as long as you want but if both of you are not on board it will not work. You need to dump the car, cable everything else that is not neccesity. It is abvious. If you can't convince him then you have a bigger problem than finances. You have a very selfish husband that all he cares about is himself. Your motherly instict has to kick in and you need to go to survival mode. Stand up for your rights and demand to be part of the decision making. Just because you don't make it does not make you a dummy.
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