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What is a word to describe miserable and happy and the same time?

I've had this feeling all of my life, it comes and goes. I feel depressed and dark, but I also feel content with it, and like I can't be happy unless I'm sad. I feed off of pain and feeling depressed or cynical. When I feel like this I also feel more happy that I would if it was pure happiness with no sad feeling at all. Is there a word for this?

Public Comments

1. I would call that adapted to your situation, or something like docile.
2. I would call this masochistic. I don't think I have to elaborate. See a counsellor to lead a more fulfilling life. Good luck ok! Ciao!
3. ambivalent, which means that you can't quite make up your mind one way or the other. Ambi both valent having value.
4. I would call it melancholy.
5. Masochistic. It's masochistic to feel pleasure in pain against yourself. It's also a safety valve to protect oneself against too much pleasure. It goes with cutting oneself. There is a relief in not experiencing too much pleasure. It could lead to being mean against others. It reflects poor social cooperation and mistaken beliefs about yourself and others. It'll hold you back in life.