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Going to the doctor once my insurance kicks in...?

Going to the doctor once my insurance kicks in...? I'm kind of wanting to vent a little bit but also get other people's opinions. I'm 22 years old, I don't smoke or do any kind of drugs, etc. From about 18 years old, I've experienced low self esteem, depression, no luck in relationships with women, etc. I always did fine in school, never got in trouble at home or with the law. I used to be a pretty well-balanced kid. Lately, I've just had these pent up feelings of frustration, anger, anxiety, and I always express those feelings in a violent and vicious way. I very rarely got angry at between ages 18 and 20 and if I did, I was able to control it easily. Soon after I turned 20, I bought a new car (this sounds pointless but I'm just going by a time line so I remember correctly) and a couple months into that, I was having some problems with it. Anyway, I'd basically lose my temper in the car, punching the steering wheel, driving violently, etc. At that time, I was working a full time job and was experiencing some stress over there. At some point, I got into it with a female co-worker and began yelling curse words and other things around her but it was directed towards her. That was something I never had done with anyone before. I had always stressed out about being single, too. I went through many girls that were only around for maybe a month each and it began kind of break my self esteem down. Then, in January 2008, I met my current girlfriend. Everything was fine until about April 2008 when I completely whacked out, turned angry and emotional, and was "baker acted" because of my bullsh!t. Ever since that time, I felt like something inside of me died. And sicne then, I've gotten worse and worse. I've lost my temper around my family and my girlfriend so many times, I've put them both through hell and back, I've mistreated my girlfriend the most. With my girlfriend, it started with arguing, progressed to heated arguing, progressed to yelling, progressed to violent outbursts, verbal abuse and even physical abuse. Just this past Friday, I got angry at her because, in my opinion, she wasn't into the sex that we were having. I totally lost control of myself, trashed the bathroom with her lotion, slapped her across the face and yelled at her, and then I turned my abuse on myself and beat myself in the face with my bare hands, giving myself black eyes, a sore head and swollen cheeks/eyes. And after all of that, my girlfriend was wiping my nose and blood that was on my face and was caring for me like a mother. This girl has proven to me that she will be by my side through thick and thin, for better or for worse, and yet I throw it all back in her face. She said she is fed up with me and my behavior and that I need to get help and straighten myself out. We live together, by the way. So, I turned in my insurance papers at work and once that kicks in, I'm going to the doctor to have some blood drawn and to see if anything in my body is off balance. My sister has a hormone imbalance and I believe my dad does, too, along with hypothyroidism. So maybe I have the same or similar problems. I'm sorry to make this so long and jumbled together but I just want other people's honest opinions. I want help, I want to live a normal and happy life with my girlfriend and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. For her birthday coming up, I have a special present for her this weekend and I know she will love it and she has no idea what it is. But, in a fit of anger, I threatened to cancel it and I almost told her what her present was. And when I planned this, I had the intention of keeping it a secret. I don't plan things for her only to take them away. I'm not really that kind of person. But that's what I'm becoming. My girlfriend knows the real Nick, but she rarely gets the real Nick. She says I'm really caring and loving, but the "other" Nick is just the opposite. Anyway, I feel better for typing up a storm. Just be honest with me and hand out any advice you think will be helpful. Thank you. Well, I'm not made of money and waiting for the insurance to kick in is way cheaper than paying big doctor bills and possibly big money for any kind of medications I may need. And, yes, shame on me for hitting my girlfriend. It's not fair to her. =( And she doesn't deserve it. She gets the brunt of all of my sh!t. My girlfriend and I live together. I mean, I could stay at my parents for a while but I'm not interested in that. And I'm defintely waiting until my insurance starts up so that I don't have to pay any ridiculous amounts of money. As for family history, I know my dad has a thyroid problem. My mom is fine and my sister has a hormone imbalance. As for grandparents, I know my Pops (dad's father) had anger issues when he was first married to my Nanny and they had 4 kids. He was stressed out from jobs and money problems back then. But I don't know about any actual illnesses or mental health problems. I'm not sure if my family would even know, anyway. By the way, my girlfriend and I used to be pretty sexualy active, sometimes we'd have sex every day of the week, take a 1 or 2 day break and then keep going. But for the past 3 weeks or so, she said she hasn't wanted me or desired me sexually because of my behavior. She said it's a big turn off and she feels used. And now that I know how she's feeling, sex is the last thing on my mind now. But our relationship is more important than the sex and I want to fix the relationship first and let the sex resume on its own. I just want to be happy in my life and not messed up anymore. I want her to be happy and us to be happy together, not seperate or any other way.

Public Comments

1. First of all, I wouldn't wait for insurance, I would go to the doctor now, and tell them to bill you. You need serious help in anger management, and SHAME ON YOU! DO NOT EVER HIT YOUR GIRLFRIEND, EVER!!!! Your lucky she stays with you, after the way you act. Everyone has control over themselves, when you feel yourself getting mad, know what you can do, and how you can act start a mental exercises, start breathing hard, close your eyes, count to 20. Get a punching bag and go hit it when your mad, carry a stress ball with you and squeeze it. This will take practice but it can help if you want it to. Good luck and make sure you get professional help. Take care
2. If I understand you this type of behavior is new. This sends a red flag to me. So this is what I am thinking. Has this person had a head injury? Is there a history of mental health issues in his family? Or Thyroid problems? (which can be the cause of violent behaviors) Is he taking any substances? even if they are over the counter. Dr. Lipton says that three things change the brain Trauma, Toxins and Thoughts. Have all three checked. Before you dip into your cash Call the insurance policy to see if they cover preexisting conditions, because if they don't and you get diagnosed prior to utilizing the insurance they could deny you coverage. Talk with parents and find out if this had ever happened to anyone in your family, this is important. Learn relaxation techniques. You might even keep your contact with your girlfiend limited. The last thing you need is assault charges against you too,
3. I think your Question and details have allowed you to "vent" your frustrations you have about yourself. Save it and keep it. Print it out and show it to your girlfriend. You may have frustrations and worries about family problems and your pride may prevent you from sharing your feelings about these sorts of things. Your child-like antics suggest you have some maturity problems and I think now you realise how stupid your responses to certain situations have been. Your girlfriend is salvageable. Be romantic, don't pressure her, listen to what she has to say and respect her. Take her out and treat her like a lady. Be nice, polite and allow her to make some decisions that otherwise you would make for any given situation.