Success Happy

Should I write this story (just a prologue)?

September 11, 2002 I woke up with an unusually tight feeling in my stomach. I felt a strong impatience as I sat up. I stretched and soaked in the beautiful September sunlight. I started my usual checklist for the day: Step 1, wash face. I drowsily stepped into my slippers and shuffled into the bathroom. I stared into the mirror for a few minutes. I rested my chin on the sink, but immediately straightened up in horror. My skin burned where my chin had rested on the sink, and when I looked in the mirror, I saw a completely different person. My eyes had become an icy blue, unlike the usual murky water color, and my skin was white. I ran my fingers through my now silky smooth hair, and it felt straighter then usual. Foxing my eyes on the piece of hair I was twirling around my finger, I realized it was black. "Hello, hello." I stiffened. I pressed my heel against the cold porcelain of the bathtub. I heard a humming noise. It was coming closer to me, and I struggled to keep my balance, A person - no, a creature - came through the open door leading to the bathroom. I summoned up all my courage in one hand, and while thinking this, I threw it at him. I stumbled back, more shocked than the monster. I thought my wording was a metaphor, but I saw a big ball of fire struggling to get through a force field the thing had conjured. I was too shocked to realize the ball of fire was coming at me. I tried to dodge it, but it was too late. It threw me into the bathtub with it's almighty force. When I looked at my chest where the ball had struck, I was lost for words. There was a burning hole in my chest, and I saw a blue flesh inside. The fire had grown a sort of scoop and was holding the blue flesh. Right before my eyes, the flesh grew into a person. The woman turned to the creature. "Lugby, I have found what I need. And make sure to keep the girl away from the attack. We don't want her getting hurt." With a cackling laugh, the woman turned to me. She looked like an exact replica of me as my old self. I shuddered, but before I could think anything else, she knocked me out.* That was just a rough draft, critical commentary welcome. rude comments without reason and corrections are unwanted. Please tell me your real opinion, but cut me some slack it was only a rough draft and I am only 11. *Answer to mysterious people: they are terrorists and the blue flesh was her soul and it turned evil because an evil life form took hold of it and is trying to rule the earth, but had died and took hold of her body. The person telling the tale, and who got knocked out, was Linda. She was 23 years old and will run her own force containing a bunch of "geeks" that have special powers to get her old self back. Because of what happened, Linda is very mean and cold-hearted, but she knows what really happens because the evil people held her prisoner and they foolsishly told her everything.

Public Comments

1. I think you're incredibly good for an 11-year-old author, but then again, age doesn't have to always go hand in hand with good writing, although I believe it can help. Reading this, however, I felt that it was moving a bit too fast, and it was a bit confusing, for instance, what exactly did she throw at the 'monster'? "I summoned up all my courage in one hand, and while thinking this, I threw it at him." She threw him her hand? You can't really, 'throw' your hand at someone, keep these sorts of things in mind and keep writing, for you can only improve! KEEP WRITING! Good luck! :D And of course, if this is something you want to write, then go ahead, writing is a lot of fun and is a good learning experience, many famous authors read and write a lot before getting published!
2. Prologue right? I do agree it's really good, though I do feel a little confused.... in the beginning mostly explanation is needed... maybe it just needs more details, since there is a limit of characters. All in all it's good, though it happened way to fast... not many readers could understand at first read at this point. Probably more details from the start. Though again, it's good... it just needs adjustments
3. (I was on the verge of saying some mildly rude things, but then I noticed you were 11.) If you -are- 11, I think that's a lovely piece you've written there! Do persist with this hobby in the coming years. To write even better ... you have to practice your grammar ... and you have to read a lot of books - any book and every book! Best of Luck!