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what do you think about the starting of my story?

Please be as crirical as you can, this is my first time writing and i dont expect to be anywhere near good. thanks "Help! Quick I need help! "Mason screamed as his foot got stuck between two metal bars on an old railway track. He tried shaking his leg rapidly but it only caused more pain. Linda my shoe is stuck on something! He shouted anxiously. Linda finally heard his voice and immediately ran towards him without looking to see if there were any alphahunters nearby. Unaware of what might be in his surroundings Mason kept on crying for help hoping that either Linda or Redman heard him. Linda trampled quickly through the debris and junk of what use to be a research facility around 50 years ago. She tried to maintain her balance and not trip or get caught on anything, “I’m coming just give me a second” shouted Linda nervously. She finally got to him and instantly started helping him pull his leg out. She kept applying excess force to his feet but it didn’t seem to get any looser. “Linda hurry, I’m getting really scared” said Mason nervously. “I know they are near” said Mason. “Stop worrying I’ll get you out” replied Linda. She stopped trying to pull his leg and instead started hurling her hand towards the metal bars. Linda kept getting more and more anxious; it was then when she started getting paranoid as she realized this might not be some random debris from the old facility. That in fact it may be a trap set by Betazars, It was a t the moment when a cold chill ran through her spine. More and more worry ran through her thoughts, “what’s wrong, why is it not coming off” cried Mason, now with drips of sweat running through his face like mini rivers. “You know what, Wait by I’ll go and get Redman” said Linda. “What! And leave me hear alone! Stuck on some bar! Helpless if even the weakest alphahunter comes by!” shrilled Mason anxiously.” Look, stop worrying” said Linda. “I promise I’ll come back”. Meanwhile in the underground floor of the facility was Redman wondering and searching for any signs of human or alien life. He walked carefully in the dark of what seemed to be some sort of ware house. He took out his flashlight and turned it on to see his surroundings more clearly. At first glance he had some difficulty identifying what was around him. After a few seconds he came to realize that the warehouse was filled with boxes and carton. He didn’t know what they contained as their labels were hard to see due to the thick dust that carpeted the surface of almost everything in the warehouse. He went towards one of the boxes and scraped the dust off with his hands to see the writing on the label. He then leaned his body closer to see the reading more clearly “Blue arc medical equipment” it had written on its main label. “Thank goodness” whispered Redman to himself. As he knew he found what he was looking for, and now he can call more of his troops to the facility. But it was at that moment he heard a strange noise coming from upstairs. He paused silently for a moment and then turned off his flashlight. A sense of panic and strong fear shivered through his mind for a few seconds. He waited a few more seconds to gain the courage to shout to whatever might have been coming towards him. “Who is there” he shouted, but he knew the more important question was what was there, because if it was an alien or robot it wouldn’t have bothered to answer. He stood silently for a few more seconds, waiting for an answer and then all of a sudden he heard another sound coming from the stairs. He took a couple of steps towards the stairs so he could get a glimpse of what he what about to encounter. Then finally to his relief he heard a voice shout, a human voice, It was Linda’s. “Redman are you there?” shouted Linda. Redman quickly turned on his flashlight and yelled “yah I am over here”.

Public Comments

1. i love stories! its great! and pretty interesting. finish it! (:
2. this good be a very good book. If you wouldn't mind, could you email me a copy of it when you finish? there might be a couple gramatical things but other than that, it's really good
3. I think its pretty good. It seems interesting. Just make sure you explain everything thats going on througout the book. Your supposed to make the beginning suspenseful because you do not know whats going on so the reader wants to read on to find out. Thats good! Just remember to explain in any form or way what is going on, where they are, and what they encountered. Thats pretty much the advice I have for you. I hope it helped. Thanks!
4. umm it was good but i didnt get some of it. . . other than that i LOVEEEDDDDDD it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. Yeah! It is 'anywhere near good' Keep plugging along and it'll work out fine. Have someone edit it for you to check your punctuations and other grammatical errors. The story line is good. Good Luck on your first try.
6. words of advice: don't write the 'research facility 50 years ago' part where it is. It takes away from the suspense of the moment. Once all the characters are safe, drop that little nugget of info, like "Linda looked over the ruins that were once a research facility and turned to walk away." your verbs are little mixed up; trampled means to stomp on something to destroy it. that doesn't really fit into your usage. and you should always think a scene through before writing it. I couldn't help but wonder why Redman was chillin by himself downstairs. if these people know they are in hostile territory, they would stick together at all times to better their chances of survival. And why did he ask "Who's there?" If this invasion has been going on for 50 years, im pretty sure the people dumb enough to ask that question would have been killed a long time ago.