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I wrote this for a class but I would like some feedback - I’m fourteen years old and up until recently I had no idea what i wanted to do with the rest of my life. Then, suddenly it started to make sense. I’ve had one grandfather my whole life growing up, who lives about three minutes away. He has supported everything I do. Soccer games, lacrosse games, field hockey games and band concerts. He’ll take me anywhere i need to go and he’s never afraid to spoil me. I’m his only grand daughter and he is so important to me, but theres one other thing, my grandfather has parkinson’s disease. Sometimes I’m afraid because I don’t know when he might get hurt. I hate the feeling that you can’t control something and I like being in control. I wish someone could tell me that everything is going to be okay, and that things will get better. But I also don’t want to be lied to. Parkinson’s is a disease that affects the nervous system. Patients with parkinson’s have nerve cells that they aren’t able to control. It causes certain parts of your body to tremble beyond your control. In my grandfathers case, he nods his head a lot, and has shaky hands. The disease also cause impaired balance and coordination. I never know when my grandfather could trip or fall just doing part of his daily routine. As parkinson’s continues to get worse some people even become paralyzed. To this day, there is no known cure for parkinson’s disease. I want to help people so they never have to live like my grandfather. It’s hard to know that he struggles so much and that there is nothing i can do. I don’t want other people to have to feel afraid, and I don’t want Parkinson’s Disease to make anyone else lose control. I’ve always known that i want to make a difference, but I didn’t know how. Now I do. I’m going to be a neurologist. I will work with parkinson’s patients and I will work as hard as I can to find a cure. I truly believe that anything is possible. There is an answer and I will do my best to find it. My grandfather is my inspiration, and I will do my best to make him proud.

Public Comments

1. Nothing wrong with that at all, some of the language could be tidied up a bit perhaps. But it has to come from your heart, not anyone else's. For example "To this day, there is no known cure" the "To this day" is superfluous, there is no known cure end of. There are a few bits like that. I'd also swap "patients" for "people". But overall very good in my view, my points are only because you asked.
2. I think you realize that that the ideas and the sentiments which you express are very good. You have covered the key talking points and you have organized your paragraphs well. Some of the syntax needs correction and some of the sequencing needs revision. In the first paragraph you state that this article is about recognizing your direction in life and how you came to this insight and understanding. And you expand that in your last paragraph - excellent. Lets deal with some areas which could be strengthened. There is some redundancy and some clarification needed. So get out your red pencil: "My grandfather lives about three minutes away. He has supported everything I do: soccer, lacrosse, field hockey, band concerts. ...He'll take me anywhere I need to go and he's never afraid to spoil me. He's my only grandfather (unless this isn't the case and what you meant was that he was the grandfather who was always there for you) and I'm his only granddaughter. He means the world to me (or whatever you really want to say) But there is one issue threatening this perfect relationship; my grandfather has Parkinson's disease." .....I like being in control and I hate the feeling that I can't control something. I don't know when he might get hurt..." (you need to add the reason for this: does he have Postural Instability? Orthostatic Hypotension? Parkinson's freeze? All of which will increase his risk of falling and none of which have good symptom relief at this time) "Patients with Parkinson's have nerve cells that they aren't able to control" is not accurate enough. How about "Parkinson's disease is the result of the death of important neurotransmitters which result in a chemical imbalance in the brain which causes many different motor and non-motor symptoms which the patient cannot control." Yes, the effect of the rigidity can result in an end-stage paralysis. The rigidity is caused by the inability of the remaining dopamine neurons to counteract the acetylcholine neurons which are sending messages to tense while the dopamine cannot send the message to relax. My suggestion for the 2nd paragraph is to reorganize the sentences. Begin with hating the lack of control and move to your fear that he will be hurt in a fall (the 2nd leading cause of death in PwPs) Last paragraph: "I'm going to become a neurologist." One last thing, in most cases you can eliminate that extra comma in sentences such as your last. Next topic is what you can do now to help your grandfather. Exercise is important. Walking is a good one for everyone but PwPs (people with Parkinson's) need more. They need exercises to improve their range of motion: head/neck, shoulders, arms, hands, fingers. Straightening through the spine, opening their hips, exercising ankles and toes. The entire body needs exercise including the parts used for speaking, breathing, swallowing. You can even do eye-rolling exercises together. You know that it is often easier to exercise with a group or a partner. You can help your grandfather now by becoming his exercise partner. At the site below you can find a variety of PD exercises which you can do at home with your Grandfather now. You can find the links in the right column by scrolling down the index.