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Intimacy problems and stress?

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a long time. Off and on for the better part of a decade. We started having sex in our teens and it was fine. I went a way to college and we were off and on still. She has messed around with other people but I am still the only one she has had sex with. She knows I have been with other girls , but that is not the problem. When I say intimacy I really only mean the physical aspect. We are very much in love and she knows that I would do anything for her and I know that she feels the same about me. For the last year and a half to about two years something has changed in her. She says she got used to me not being here because I was away for college and she now feels like she does not have to compete for my attention because she has gotten over the whole fear of "losing me". Needless to say our physical relationship has slowed down to almost a halt. We recently relocated so that we are closer once again but to my (and her) dismay it has not helped things. We see each other almost every day and stay together almost every night so the time to make it happen is there she is just so stressed about the whole thing. The whole idea of being physical stresses her out to the point where it is better for her not to even try than go with it. She is incredibly anxious about getting pregnant (although she is on BC and we use condoms) and she is constantly putting too much pressure on herself to "perform" no matter how slow I try to take it or how gently I try to be. Weeks and most times months go by between times that she even feels in the mood and when she does that lasts all of about 5 minutes before she begins to freak out and tell me to stop. She also says that it hurts a lot (I am not huge but I am also not the smallest of guys down there) but I think a lot of that is from the lack of times that we do it. She now barely even lets me touch her to begin foreplay before she starts to tell me to stop. I have tried everything and read every book and article I can find to be more "Intimate" i try to relax her before or make sure that we have a pleasant evening. I constantly give her massages (which she loves and used to be the best way to get her in the mood) but she although very young passes out at an early age every night. We are very different people in that I like to hang out at night and go out to bars with a friend of mine and she does not drink at all. We have found a balance for this but even for a night in with a movie she falls asleep early and wakes up apologizing and stressed the next morning that we did not get to be intimate. I used to get frustrated but tell her it was nothing but recently I have been trying to communicate these things to her so that we can work on, but no matter how I try to present it to her and tell her that its ok and this is something we can work on together she takes it as an attack or that I am telling her she is not good enough. I guess I am just looking for some female advice on something I could try or maybe something she could do to take the pressure off? Also some insight on the frequency of being intimate and the pain she is feeling. She has been to her doctor and he tells her that she is completely healthy so I am just thinking that it could just be our lack of activity? Please be respectful and only give serious answers. This is the love of my life and its the only problem we have and I really just want to make it work. believe me she didnt hang with the wrong crowd she doesnt drink at all and rarely goes out because of her profession and she didnt have to move anywhere. I moved to be back in the same town that shes been in since we have known each other.

Public Comments

1. There is something on her mind like she don't know how to tell you something, or maybe she hung out with the wrong crowd while you were gone. You know the saying "when the cat is away the mice will play." Just tell her your tired of it and ask her if she want to go back and if she says yes and if you truly love her you will let her go home but go visit more. If it's to far for you then there might be a college closer. If she is that worth it.
2. Believe me when I say that your issue is not complicated at all. Though you guys have been dating on and off for a decade,the relationship has been slowly dying and is on life support currently. I would suggest that you try the following ideas and see what happens: 1) Figure out how you feel about her,and what you want from a relationship with her. 2) Determine what you offer you as a boyfriend 3) Ask her what her issues are.In other words ,does she still love you and want the relationship.4) Are there issues for which she needs an explanation or answers.What are they and what role can you play in them as her partner who loves and wants to help her. 5) what problems does she have with being intimate and having sexual intercourse; does she have pain when having sex,is she not attracted to you anymore ,has lovemaking become boring and stale for her ,what does she think she would like to make it sparkle again and light the fires of passion again ,to tell you what is missing from her point of view so that you guys can do something about it,6) To tell you any other issues or problems that may be on her mind and bothering her or which she feels may be responsible for the way she is feeling. 7) Consider any other issues and others that come up during your exercise in both introspection and discussion. Try the above ideas and see what happens before you give up.You just might get your wish and make it work if you guys can find common ground. I wish you well.