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Are these changes in my wife a good thing?

I know this is long but please consider helping me if you can. We've had some problems over the last year. I finished my advanced degree and prepared to enter a new career. Around this time I found out she had carried on a flirtation with a man at her work. She was also in the habit of making very hurtful comments that insulted me as a man. This culminated in the week I found out about the flirtation from her coworkers cracking jokes about it at a party. I swear if someone had walked up to me at the party and yanked my pants down I would have been less humiliated. Later that week I caught her behaving in a forward manner with a guy delivering something to our home. She was very blatant about it and let him get away with some insulting behavior and encouraged him. I asked her about it later and she said that he was her type of man. This really hit me. I felt like over time she had lost respect for me. I also felt that I was the one who always tried to fix everything and that I was walking on eggshells around her. I worried so much she would leave me or that I was a bad husband. It seemed like everywhere I looked there was some article or tv talk show advising that men failed to be good husbands today and I worried a lot. When I talked to family or friends they seemed to always ask if I was showing her romance or sensitivity, and then advised me to take her out to dinner "once in a while." But I took her out about once a week on average and brought her flowers or a card all the time. For her birthday I bought her a great gift but she said she was disappointed and hoped I would do better next year. I guess I realized that I couldn't fix things and that trying to talk to her seriously about it just made things worse. So a few weeks ago I stopped trying. I still work hard for us and do my share at the house and fix things. But I don't ask her to talk with me about the relationship. If she gets mad about something or complains, which she did a lot, I just ignored it. I basically started to live my own life and not worry so much about her and her happiness because I felt like I couldn't make her happy. Since I started this it seems like she has done a 180 and works hard to talk with me and make me happy. She complains now and then but overall she avoids doing that. Is this a good thing? Have I found a way to get balance again or will this only last for a while? Advice is very much appreciated.

Public Comments

1. thats not what a wife should be in my opinion, she seems like the kind that would cheat, put her in her place and call her out on it
2. Just shows that some people dont know what they have until they dont have it anymore! Your actions seem to be working but I dont think it will help in the long run. Now that your wife is willing to talk, you both should do just that. She seems to be giving you the opportunity, so talk to her and improve the communication between you too which will ultimately improve your relationship. Try to find out why she was disrespecting you, let her know how you felt and dont be her doormat.
3. From what you said, this doesn't seem to be a very a good "healthy" relationship. I'm wondering since you are busy getting your degree that maybe she is jealous because you may not be spending enough time with her. It seems she isn't happy, but yet doesn't want to talk about it. It may have nothing to do with you, maybe something is going on with her. I would suggest have a heart-to-heart talk, and find out what is going on. Ask her what you could do to make her happy. Even if she doesn't want to talk about it, be persistent. If all else fails, I suggest go for counselling.
4. Couples do this type of dance frequently. They move in relation to the other. When one withdraws, the other advances and vice versa. It when the dance ends that a couple is in danger of having the relationship end. I don't think you're in that position...not yet anyway. It sounds to me like you both still care for each other, but you're looking for a way to provoke the other into a response. You sound like prime candidates for professional help; you need to find a place to learn how to communicate openly and honestly to each other.
5. She is going to cheat on you- it's just a matter of time. Forewarned is forearmed, as they say.
6. You sound like the perfect husband & woman can be very mean at times. It is a fact (biblical based) that men are made to love their loved ones withe their mind, sole & body; with other words your love as a man is all encompassing; whilst on the other hand a woman's love is based on respect only. That is the facts. Divorce is never an answer & it would be great if you could talk about it & it seems like the right time now since you got her attention now. It is important that couples develop the ability to verbalize their feelings whilst really listening to the other party's viewpoint. One needs not to agree with each other to solve a problem, one merely must respect the other one's viewpoint Read more about it in source below
7. When either partner begins to stray, they will often justify their behavior by demeaning the offended partner. It's common for the one straying to put down the other, to embarrass him/her, to pick fights and, in general, display a loss of respect, devotion and affection. Interest in others often diminishes our attraction and makes us dissatisfied with what we have. She may have convinced herself that you aren't worth much. Often the harder you might try, the more she may feel you are weak or easy to keep, that she has you where she wants you. Some seem to think that if they move closer it will get the straying partner's attention, but what actually fosters devotion is the attention SHE pays to YOU. Our opinion of our partner is reinforced by what WE do for them, not the reverse. By distancing yourself some, you have created a challenge and i think she is responding well to that. She may have realized that she could actually lose you, making you more attractive and her less secure in the relationship. Yes, this is a good sign, but whether it will last is anyone's guess. Another typical dynamic in relationships is that the person least invested in the relationship at the time, has the most power. While some of this may sound like a game, it's actually just human nature. Taking all of this as likely then means that the more loving acts she bestows on YOU, the more invested she should become. It makes sense then to give her some hints of things she could do that are pleasing to you. Her behavior does not deserve any special effort on you part at the moment. Her coming to you, especially since there is betrayal involved, only makes sense. She needs to make an effort to regain your trust and confidence. i know this is a bit disjointed, but a couple more points... Once someone has cheated, or even contemplated it with a specific person (her flirtation at work), then s/he will often begin to compare the partner to the new love interest, AND find the partner lacking from sheer familiarity. You pulling back to some degree, helps her see you NOT as a sure thing, makes it clear she has to earn some of your devotion back and it then becomes a bit of a challenge, which it should be anyway. Relationships, and particularly marriages, are a dynamic, living thing, They change and i often compare them to a dance, one partner's action inspiring the other. Taking her out and small gifts are good, but not the real issue here. She needs to know that your affection is not unconditional, even if your love is, that she cannot treat you as if you are an accessory to her life and expect you not to distance yourself from her. She seems to have figured out that much. I would suggest that you reward those things she does that help the relationship and other than any blatant violation, ignore those things that don't. I would also encourage you to think of your marriage as a third entity, that all decisions be made by considering what is best not for you vs her, but what will foster a better and more loving connection, what is best for the relationship and it's health and not what is best for the individual. Eventually, there has to be some communication about all of this. Even if you do not want to go to marriage counseling (it isn't that effective unless both parties are completely invested in improvement), you might bring it up just to see her reaction. If she is hot for the idea, then it might indicate her hope that you remain together and improve things between you. Knowing where she is with the whole thing could help you in deciding your next steps. Feel free to email me with any specific questions. You are correct that you cannot *make* her happy with you, but you can do some things to at least determine how likely it is that this can be worked out. While she is in the position of seemingly renewed interest, don't go overboard with her or be too accepting too soon. I also wouldn't bring up anything too heavy just yet by way of conversation. Actions are much more important at this stage and much more telling than anything she might say, so trying to exact a promise from her or a renewed verbal commitment is a bit premature. Small steps, testing little things and then evaluating the outcome is a good strategy for now. i do think there is hope here, unless she goes off the deep end again. Do not allow provocative behavior towards others to go unrecognized, but also do not respond with jealousy or insecurity. I would simply make it known that you won't take being embarrassed, and this is best done by removing yourself from the situation, should it happen again. You are at a turning point here, just proceed slowly and with some caution. And good luck.