Success Happy

Something feels off about my writing style. Any writers maybe read an extract and constructively criticise me?

Lately, when I write, I feel like something is not right. If there are any writers on here who could help me out it would be much appreciated. I mocked up this little extract so that people could get a feel of how I write. I'm not focusing too much on my story-lines, I'm more focused on the way that I write and how I use the words. "There was a monotomous sound humming from the bus engine like an over-played song that had long ago got boring. Barry stood amongst many other tired, bored and down right depressed people as he prepared himself mentally for the repeatative values that the day was to be inscribed with. He'd always wanted a simple life, and now that he finally had the simplicity, all he wished was that something different would happen, something that would disturb the balance of his average, ordinary, every day life. Today his prayers would be answered; something very new was going to happen for sure... Whether it would be welcome or not, was a totally different question. A computerized voice called out "Woodgar Office Buildings" and Barrys body automatically, as if programmed, pressed the bell and stood at the foot of the door, at present his mind wasn't functioning fully due to the lack of sleep he'd been having. He was a total mess. Work had totally begun to eat away at his life, consuming parts of it bit-by-bit: First it chomped away at his social life, biting its teeth into the connection he had with his friends and family and tearing them off bit by bit before digesting them. Then it got his own life, taking up all of his spare time due to a presentation his boss had asked of him. Slowly Barry was becoming less life-like and more zombie like each day; people had really started to notice. Barry pressed the buzzer that would allow him to enter his office, number 32. A fierce buzz is emitted from the buzzer before being answered by the approval of the open door tone. Barry had never been one to complain about things, he'd always thought of himself as an easy going person who's sort of... okay with anything, and he was certainly viewed this way by his co-workers, which he saw as a huge benefit by his cards. The lift slowly opened its doors to reveal the office that Barry spent most of his days working in. A tall bald man with a beard and glasses approached Barry as soon as he recognised him, it was Tom and he looked as though he wanted to discuss social affairs as it was Friday and it'd become a tradition amongst the group of friends they had to go out every week. "Still coming out for drinks are we? Larry reckons you're gonna bottle it again, you proving him wrong?" Tom said in his joker-like voice. "I think I'm gonna cancel... I need to catch up on sleep, I'm totally shattered from staying up to do that bloody presentation" He replied. "Knew it... When you gonna start coming out with us again? it's not the same without you. It's like there's a wheel missing lately." Tom said, with a dis-appointed look on his face look on his face. "You know I will as soon as I can. Keith's been working me like a dog... although, most dogs don't work, so... not a dog, but like one of those horses that drags that big ass plow on his back." Barry Complained."

Public Comments

1. There are a few common errors here. One is the comma splice run-on sentence: you cannot separate two complete thoughts with a comma. You must use a colon, semicolon, dash, conjunction, or two sentences. Next, your quotations are improperly punctuated. '"Hello." He Said' is incorrect. '"Hello," he said' is better. Note the comma before the closing quotation mark and the lowercase letters on the rest of the sentence. Also your vocabulary has a few malapropisms in it, such as "monotomous" instead of "monotonous" and "repeatative" for "repetitive". You should always look up words if you do not know how they are spelled. In general it seems you are trying to use more words of greater size than you need to and the result is a little awkward. Don't be afraid to keep it simple; good simple constructions often look more grown-up than twisty sentences. If you want to add depth to them, try starting sentences with something other than a noun. I noted some traces of passive voice and present tense verbs in a past tense piece as well. These are all perfectly routine errors, and a good secondary or university education should train them out of you.